


The News Cycle

by Amerna



Series: Information and creepy merchandise [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Basically all the AUs but written by journalists, Celebrity culture, F/M, Humor, Paparazzi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-28
Updated: 2014-10-09
Packaged: 2018-02-19 04:10:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2374028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amerna/pseuds/Amerna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The relationship between Steve Rogers and Darcy Lewis as seen by the papers. And with the amount of coverage about these two, somebody would eventually report their relationship status correctly. Right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We are dominated by Journalism

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [Fiora](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Fiora) who is my enabler in all these things.
> 
> This was originally supposed to be a little side ficlet out of the tabloid articles i mentioned in [The Right Kind of Advertising](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2210385). At some point it escalated into a larger fanfiction with more than 14,000 words. So I'm splitting it into 4 parts and will post it whenever I'm able, hopefully once a week.

### Part I: We are dominated by Journalism. (Oscar Wilde)

**_America’s most patriotic bachelor off the market?_ **

He’s been voted America’s most desirable bachelor two years running, but evidence now strongly suggests that he might be off the market. Photos have surfaced that show Captain America, Steve Rogers, out on several occasions with a mystery brunette. And apparently the two were very cosy! Eyewitnesses at the scenes claim that while the two didn’t go for any actual PDA, they nevertheless acted _very_ familiar with each other and later left together for an unknown location.

And while hearts of ladies (and more than a few gents) are breaking across the globe, we here at _Celebz_ all appreciate that the Captain apparently was taken in by a regular girl, which means, your superhero romance might be just around the corner.

~***~

**_Love in the Air?_ **

America’s dream date is not available to date anymore! Candid shots taken last week show Captain America in company of an – as of yet – unidentified woman and it’s serious. It’s not the first time the two have been seen together, eyewitnesses report. So far they’ve been spotted together on several outings, including a picnic, visiting museums, coffee dates and the old-fashioned movie date. “They seemed to be very close,” a source tells us. “He was definitely taken.”

~***~

It was supposed to be a normal, quiet day, Pepper thought. Her schedule had been surprisingly light, too. That was until she got a call from the head of the PR department asking if they really wanted to proceed with “No comment”-policy for all the inquiries about the Avenger’s private life from every major news station they had gotten that day. And that had set off all her alarm bells, because there had been no reason for increased press scrutiny. So she assumed the worst and went in search of Tony. She found him in the labs with Steve, testing material for Steve’s uniform.

“Ok, what happened?” she began without preamble. “Did you make an announcement I know nothing about? Our PR department apparently has been fending off request from every major news outlet in the western hemisphere in the last four hours.”

Both men looked up from the workbench. The slow grin on Tony’s face wasn’t a good sign, Pepper thought.

“I am hurt that you think to little of me. Have I not been the paragon of good behaviour these past months? But you’ve come to the right place if you are looking for answers, because it’s all the fault of our star spangled man with a plan over there,” he pointed at Steve with his thumb.

“Oh _please_ , Steve knows how to behave in public. We would never get that many requests about him, least of all his private life.”

Steve cleared his throat very pointedly. “It’s about me,” he confessed.

Pepper eyed him suspiciously. “Please don’t tell me that I was wrong about you and that we now have a situation to contain. It’s amazing what the tabloids can come up with these days… About Captain America’s Dark Side… the descendants of several illegitimate children you had with the USO girls back in your time coming forward now… the twins you are having with a barista from that shop around the corner… having an affair with a girl who now claims to be your own granddaughter.”

All three of them shuddered at the last thought.

“No, it’s a girlfriend,” Steve said. “We were spotted together and now the pictures are apparently all over the internet.”

“Oh,” Pepper let out a sigh of relief, “I can work with that. It’s Darcy, right?”

“How did you know?!” Tony exclaimed.

“Tony, I have two eyes and good intuition. I trust the pictures are not racy or in any kind embarrassing?”

“Jarvis, can you please bring up the tabloid coverage of Steve and Darcy,” Tony ordered.

“Of course, Sir,” the AI answered and within seconds they had several pictures of the two before them, taken on several days out in the city. Some of them had the two just going down the street, there were pictures of them holding hands, the two of them in a park, Steve was working with his sketchbook while Darcy was reading a book and had her head in his lap.

“That’s actually quite–” Pepper started.

“Chaste? Disgusting? Unexpected?” Tony provided.

“I was about to say ‘adorable’.”

“Thanks? I guess?” Steve said.

“Jarvis, can you get Darcy down here, please?” Pepper asked. “Because while we are talking about the two of you anyway we can all agree on a strategy here,” she explained when she caught Steve’s quizzical look.

It took Darcy only a few moments to arrive since she had been next door in Jane’s lab.

“You wanted to see me–” she started and then stopped abruptly when she saw all the pictures of here and Steve in the room. “Oh, is this about us?” she asked, pointing at her and Steve.

“It is, it’s about how to deal with the media scrutiny,” Pepper explained.

“Media scrutiny?” Darcy asked. “It’s going to blow over soon, right? There are some pictures, we are the story of the week, tomorrow some starlet will do something highly scandalous and we’ll be left alone again.”

Pepper shook her head. “Not really. We had request from every major news outlet in the country ever since the photos went public. Apparently everybody wants to know about the two of you. So I guess you are going to be a tabloid fixture for a while. People will take more pictures of you now.”

“Is this going to be a problem?” Steve asked. “Should we do something about it?”

“Well, as long as nobody gets naked and causes a scandal and gets his naked butt all over Youtube like _some_ people in this room _used_ to, I’d say we do nothing. It’s already in the news cycle, there’s nothing we can do about it. Your epic love story is already being written, no matter the facts. It’s going to be hard for Darcy, though.”

“What do you mean?” she asked. “I’m a nobody.”

“You used to be a nobody, now you are the girlfriend of one of America’s most beloved celebrities. People will love you, people will hate you, people will write a lot about you. The Captain is pretty much above all that. He’s well-known, he has a public persona, he’s the all American boy scout. Everybody loves him, apart from a few conspiracy theorists. He’s the ultimate hero; you are not. You are pretty much a wild card. People can shape you into what they want you to be – at least on paper. So get ready for some highly contradictory stories.”

~***~

**_Love in the Air!_ **

We knew it was just a matter of time. Ever since he became part of the American public consciousness (again!), the Captain has been romantically linked to every tall and leggy female just in the vicinity of Avengers tower. Rumour has it that Tony Stark himself tried to hook him up with several heiresses, supermodels, star actresses and the like. The Captain however did well to reinforce the image of his all American wholesomeness and went for somebody refreshingly ordinary.

And apparently it’s serious. “They’ve been dating for almost 3 months now,” a friend of the couple tells us. “Hawkeye introduced them, she’s a friend of a friend and as it happens also works at the tower. The two are very happy together, but taking it slowly. Steve still has a long way to go in his acclimatisation to the 21st century.”

Further details on the lovey-dovey couple are still unavailable, as is a statement from official sources, but to us it looks like the Captain is off the market.

~***~

**_This weeks’ mystery: The woman that defrosted Captain America’s heart_ **

Maybe we can ease our worry for our favourite star spangled superhero a bit. Ever since he’s woken up from his 70-year sleep, the team here at _Avengers Daily_ had feared that he might turn into a recluse, unable to adjust to modern life. For a long time it seemed that way, too, because we only got to see our lonely serum enhanced super soldier on official, pre-arranged outings, looking like a fish out of water.

But now pictures have surfaced that – for the first time in years! – show the Captain all smiles and bubbly happiness on a day out with a mystery brunette. The Captain apparently has found himself a real-life, very modern girlfriend to help him adjust to our 21st century society.

Official sources declined to comment on this new development but since the Avengers’ desire for secrecy is crucial (hello there, national security!) and well-documented, it’s no surprise that everybody wants to keep things under wraps for the time being. So details on the lady herself and the exact nature of their relationship are still scarce. How did they meet? How long have they known each other? We are dying to have these questions answered!

It might take a long while, though: “It’s in their nature to be very secretive,” an insider tells us. “Obviously the powers that be didn’t and still don’t want their relationship all over the papers. The two are very happy to comply, too, and keep everything in their little love bubble.”

But as it’s always the case: You cannot keep a relationship hidden forever. Not, when it seem to be such a happy one, too. We, for one, couldn’t be more excited.

~***~

**_Captain America in Love! Black Widow heartbroken!_ **

A rare snapshot of our favourite superhero out and about on non-avenging business reveals that he has made a further step to adapt to his new life in the 21st century: by finding a girl to share his new life with.

Indeed, Captain America has a girlfriend! And apparently it’s serious. “They’ve been dating for almost 3 months now,” a friend of the couple tells us. “Thor introduced them, it was very adorable. It’s the perfect example of opposites attract: he with his 40s charm and she with her 21st century no-nonsense attitude. But they’ve been doing each other a lot of good, really.”

While official sources declined to comment on this new addition to the Avenger group a source at the Avengers’ tower revealed that the adjustment is far from smooth for everybody. “Black Widow did not take the news well,” our tipster said, “she’s having difficulties adjusting to the new female presence at the tower. She and the Captain had grown very close after the Battle of New York. She is loathe to share him with anyone, really, but especially with another woman.”

So should we get ready for some Avengers’ style catfight for the good Captain?

~***~

“They make me sound like I’m the perfect girlfriend. I rather like it. All they need now is a dramatic photo op, preferably before Steve’s next Avengers’ assignment. Can you imagine the scene, Jane? Steve in his full Captain America glory, ready to go into battle for freedom, justice, the pursuit of happiness… I will stand at the hangar, he stops before he gets on the Quinjet and we have a passionate kiss. The sun sets behind us, violins are playing, our foreheads touch, I’ll tell him: ‘Go save the world, soldier’ and then he’s off. And my fingers touch my lips where that epic kiss still lingers.”

“Have you been reading too many romance novels lately?” was Jane’s dry response. “And that photo op is just perfect if it has Nat in the background, scowling, looking ready to kill and loading her guns while never taking her eyes from you.”

“I could totally work that in!”

~***~

**_Cap’s Relationship Revealed_ **

So what could be the hardships of dating an actual superhero?

Lets look at the case of Captain America: He saves the world on a regular basis so he must be a good guy, right? He’s really easy on the eyes and by “easy on the eyes” we mean that he basically is Adonis re-incarnated. He’s from the 40s so he must have that gentlemanly charm and chivalry down to a T.

But dating a superhero adds a whole other issue to the equation: national security.

Because while Cap and his girlfriend have been going out for quite some time already, they had to be all hush-hush and secretive about it. And apparently it was taking its toll.

“They were really tired of keeping mum about this and wanted to share their happiness,” a source close to the couple confided in us. “Having to be so sneaky about a thing that makes them both inexplicably happy, didn’t feel right any longer.”

So the mountain of so-called “candid” shots of the two suddenly hitting the papers? Not a coincidence.

“The Captain has values and a lot of integrity,” the same friend continued. “He didn’t want to keep up the charade for PR matters. He wanted to go public with this, they both did. When his request was denied, he took matters into his own hands.”

So we have the happy couple to thank for those pictures. What a treat!

~***~

**_Look at that!_ **

It’s the first non-paparazzi picture, people! The Captain and his mystery brunette stepped out at an official function in support of New York’s fire fighters last night. It’s their first outing ever since their relationship was discovered last week.

While further information on the couple is still missing, more and more eyewitness accounts are coming in by the hour. In this case most of them claimed the two were very cozy with each other. “They were almost inseparable,” one guest told us. “The Captain was always touching her, whispering into her ear, holding her hand, resting his hand on her back.”

While we have none of this on camera you can see all the pictures from the red carpet clicking on the link below. We know you want to. We, for once, cannot get enough of this All American Adorableness!

~***~

**_Getting all hot and heavy!_ **

Both Captain America and his girlfriend attended a fundraiser for the families of NYFD members killed in action and while this is usually a very sombre event, sources say the Captain and his girl behaved in a very… unexpected way.

“They couldn’t keep their hands off each other,” one eyewitness tells us. “He was always touching her and later went for some serious PDA.”

This is confirmed by another partygoer: “They left the party early, too. They were all over each other!”

~***~

“Captain, oh Captain,” Tony sauntered into the weaponry where Steve and Clint had just finished their training session. “I have to ask you a question.”

Steve just looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “Yes?”

“Did you really defile last night’s fundraiser with your public displays of affection?”

Clint actually snorted at this.

“Of course we did,” was Steve’s deadpan reply. “Darcy and I also had hot sex in one of the ladies’ rooms, but nobody has reported that.”

“Yet,” Clint added.

~***~

**_Cap’s girlfriend, spark notes version_ **

What to we know about her?

_Her name?_ It’s difficult. Apparently, it’s classified. Eyewitnesses tell us though, that he refers to her with a name that begins with a D and is also the surname of a very well-known fictional British heartthrob from the early 19 th century. Think Colin Firth, everyone.

_How did they meet?_ Everybody portrays a different version, but the one common denominator seems to be “at work” – whatever that may be. It is still unknown if she is working for the government or for Stark Industries at the tower.

_How long have they been seeing each other?_ Undetermined. They seem to be over the awkward stages of first dates though and are quite close and adorable (we’ve been told!). Our relationship experts say they must have known each other for some time, but since the Captain was only discovered two years ago it can’t be more than that. At least, under normal circumstances.

_Seriously, who’s that girl?_ Your guess is as good as ours. She’s not a celebrity, not even a minor one. They both do pretty well on avoiding the spotlight. She seems to be pretty… normal. Information on her is as sparse as non-alcoholic drinks on Tony Stark’s legendary parties. The mystery surrounding that relationship is only making us want it more! Maybe that’s the plan after all?

~***~

**_Make it official, please!_ **

What is the most frustrating about our new favourite obsession, America’s very own superheroes? The fact that Captain America’s tight butt only comes in those hideous stars and stripes spandex? The fact that their little run-in with real-life aliens in New York made the traffic in the city one hell of a mess to get through? The fact that we will never fill out that cat suit like Black Widow? No! The fact that they don’t have an official representative. Who do we talk to if we want to know anything about the Avengers other than the official titbits from government sources? We are quite desperate here.

Even Stark Industries PR department refuses to comment these days. And they are well-versed in every PR snafu possible back from the days when their then-CEO got his naked butt all over Youtube on a regular basis. But that was before Tony Stark became a full-fledged superhero and world saviour. Nowadays, even Stark Industries is tight-lipped about everything not related to their normal course of business. Officially we don’t even know that Tony Stark and PA-turned-CEO Pepper Potts are dating.

Seriously, guys, we get the concept of national security and sensitive information, but your silence on everything is not doing you any favours.

Case in point? Captain America’s new girlfriend.

Look at those pictures. The larger-than-life superhero has a human side! He’s doing well ever since he woke up from a 70-year nap. The two are adorable together! It’s probably as close as we are ever going to get to our version of royalty and the William-and-Kate-romance.

You could make a lot of positive press out of these two! If nothing else it would take our mind off the obvious danger our heroes face every day. Granted, we get their need for privacy as well, especially since the Captain is probably totally over being paraded in front of anyone ever since his days in the USO propaganda tours, but is it too much to ask for some information so that America can rejoice in their very obvious happiness?

But no, we cannot get anything on this. Not even one official line. We assume it’s a girlfriend and not a fiancée/wife from the lack of rings but other than that we can pretty much guess anything and have to rely on an ever increasing amount of blurry cell phone pictures from their past outings – which come in spades now. Apparently the two have been out and about for quite some time now (and for the longest time, we missed it). With the public scrutiny, you can also soon add paparazzi shots to the mix, which makes everybody’s life a little more complicated, doesn’t it? It would be nice to have a nice photo of a face and a name and one sentence on the relationships status. That’s all!

Come on, just throw us a bone here! We are not asking for data on super secret government conspiracies here. Or are we?

~***~

**_Superheroes! They are just like us!_ **

Ever since we saw those photos of Captain America with his mystery lady love we’ve been dying for every little titbit of information we can get our grabby hands on. While it is apparently a federal offense to publish her name or her family background, we can confirm that she is a Stark Industries employee with access to the tower and, more importantly, the area designated for the Avengers.

It wasn’t Hawkeye though who shot Cupid’s arrow. The two were introduced by Tony Stark himself. “She is his protégé,” a friend of the unnamed lady confirms. “She spends a lot of time at the tower and especially in the labs. And obviously, Iron Man and Captain America are buddies, so it was just a matter of time for them to meet. It was a total meet cute in the elevator, too. That or it was cleverly orchestrated by Tony with the help of his AI. But it was love at first sight.”

And while our meet cutes at work may not involve help from a genius, billionaire, playboy philanthropist and his super smart computer system, it is comforting to know that even Captain America met his girl via one of the most common ways possible: the workplace romance.

~***~

**_Cap’s relationship: Just a Publicity Stunt?_ **

It was _the_ news story of the past few weeks: Captain America’s mystery girlfriend. Hands up, who didn’t melt a little upon first seeing the couple out and about, seeming not to have a care in the world? And who didn’t get all warm and fuzzy inside when all those candid shots of the two of them doing things normal, loving couples do, hit the papers?

His adorable rapport with the mystery brunette had us all rooting for long-term happiness for the super soldier who had been through so much already. We were so eager for every glimpse into their relationship that seemed healthy and real. Some of us had already taken to naming their eventual super adorable all American offspring (with Howard being a particular favourite).

But now the illusion is shattered, thanks to some internal communication leaked by a source closely associated with the Avengers. It reveals the true reason why the couple’s relationship became public: It’s all a publicity stunt!

Over the past weeks and months the voices critical of the Avengers and their modus operandi have grown louder and louder. An increasing number of people have voiced their concern over the lack of transparency and accountability surrounding the very elitist group of six that is supposedly keeping us safe from attacks from all nine realms. More and more critical voices have also started demanding that Earth’s Mightiest Heroes should be held responsible for the destruction caused by the frequent run-ins with otherworldly creatures.

But rather than giving the people what they want, the powers that be went for strategic distraction with a full-blown PR attack, which – amongst others – included a real-life, 21st century girlfriend for Captain America.

And while this new information might send a ripple through American consciousness, PR pros are hardly surprised: “Am I surprised that the government is – once again – doing nothing to acknowledge valid concerns from its citizens? Of course not,” _Daily Globe_ PR expert Daisy Halloway tells us. “They’ve been doing it for decades now and they do it very well. In this case the Captain is the obvious choice to head this promotional campaign. Nobody really wants a team led by Tony Stark – whose mess and ego is legendary – when they can have a reanimated American hero at the front. Captain America is a national icon – nobody would ever doubt his sincerity. Contrary to popular belief he is also well-versed in the propaganda circus. Remember that before he began his heroic feats during the war in Europe, he was part of the circus that used to sell USO bonds.”

So what is the deal with these two then?

“She is either part of the company he works for or gets paid a lot of money for playing the role of her lifetime,” an insider says. “It says a lot that they won’t reveal her name. Even apparently airtight second identities can only withstand so much public scrutiny until the first cracks begin to appear on the surface.”

The general consensus is that we will have pre-arranged outings, official social gatherings and seemingly candid pictures of them doing things normal couples do. The relationship will run its seemingly normal course, they will keep up appearances, but at some point during the next months – or maybe even a few years, depending on how badly they need the publicity – they will split up for a phony reason.

That is the typical arc of the PR arranged romance.


	2. Get your facts first, and then you can distort 'em as much as you please.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, leaving kudos and commenting!
> 
> Now, without further ado to Part II, where stuff gets nasty really fast. But don't worry, we'll have wedding bells and pregnancy rumours in Part III.
> 
> Once again: Thanks to my trusty accomplice [Fiora](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Fiora/pseuds/Fiora)

### Part II: Get your facts first, and then you can distort 'em as much as you please. (Mark Twain)

Spotted! Captain America and his girlfriend Darcy Lewis attending the fundraiser benefiting the New York public library.

~***~

Tony looked up from his work when he heard Darcy let her head fall onto her desk.

“Everything okay, Lewis?” he commented from the other side of the lab where he was working with Bruce.

“I can’t believe that we are three weeks into the breaking news about Captain America’s relationship and the tabloids are still going strong about it,” Darcy mumbled without putting up her head. “And now they got my name, too.”

“Actually, I’m surprised it took them that long,” Tony said.

“My theory is that SHIELD had a hand in that,” Bruce added.

“Good point! I should look into that.”

“Tony, don’t,” Darcy finally looked up and fixed her stare at him. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Now they know my name and I got like a gazillion Facebook friend requests. That’s so weird.”

“You can’t be that surprised,” Bruce pointed out. “Superheroes are America’s new obsession, really.”

“Yup,” Tony nodded. “I mean there’s an entire Twitter account dedicated to your boyfriend’s butt.”

“You are kidding me!”

“Nope, it’s @CapsButt in case you want to look it up. And there’s @BlackWidowsButt, too. And @ThorsBooty, when I looked for it the last time. I’m pretty sure we should have one for Hawkeye and Hulk by now, too.”

“None for you, though, Tony?” Bruce teased.

“Please, I’m not that much of a narcissist to look up my Twitter handles.”

“As if! You totally did!”

~***~

**_The lucky set-up_ **

You know how the couples embedded in long-term couplehood always want to spread the love? That’s Natalie Rushman, aka the Black Widow, for you. While she’s a kick-ass assassin and expert markswomen as part of her Avenger duty, she’s also confirmed to be dating fellow Avenger Hawkeye and a romantic at heart. As a matter of fact, we have her to thank for our new favourite all American couple, Captain America and his ordinary lady love.

“Natalie set the two of them up,” a friend reports. “She had been trying to get him to date for months, really, because you could see his loneliness without being a master spy. But he always declined. Natalie tried a lot but even with her instincts it took a while to find the right girl for Cap. But then with Darcy he really hit it off immediately.”

And while that information would be enough to make us melt on the spot, it’s the follow-up question of how the Black Widow knows Darcy that adds more spice to the equation.

“Natalie and Darcy are totally besties,” a common friend confirms our suspicions. “Natalie knew it would work out, because she’s a spy, she has really good instincts with people and she knows both parties very well.”

So might the association with our super assassin mean that Darcy is not really the ordinary lady we had thought her to be but also has a more risky occupation? We’ll keep our eyes open!

~***~

On a very seldom occasion every Avenger and his significant other was assembled in the kitchen for breakfast on a Sunday morning. They were silently eating their cereal and whatnot, when Bruce broke the silence.

“Hhhmm,” he hummed, studying his paper.

“What?” Tony asked. “Any good news?”

“Steve is running for office,” Bruce said. “That’s why he’s dating Darcy, or pretending to date her, for her political science knowledge.”

“Oh, that’s a new angle,” Clint chimed in. “What does it say?”

“Obligatory remark about the surprise relationship, Cap’s status, bla bla bla, then: ‘And while his status as Captain America would probably have won him the election alone, he went for the full mile and actually hired a professional. Enter Darcy Lewis.’”

“Well, at last they finally got some of Darcy’s credentials right,” Steve commented. “It would totally make sense.”

“You in politics?” Tony looked incredulous. “Cap, you don’t have a single treacherous bone in your body. You wouldn’t make it a week. All that lying and backstabbing and betraying alliances.”

“Well, I would consider my honesty to be very refreshing in my approach to politics.”

“The question now is: What would be your focus in legislation?” Natasha asked.

“Women’s rights.”

“Oh, that would be awesome,” Darcy said. “Can you please go all Captain Sassmaster and bust some backwards senator’s ass?”

“The question is, Darcy: Are you ready to be a politician’s wife?” Pepper chimed in.

“With looking perfect and smiling prettily at official occasions?” Jane added.

“Hey, that’s what I’m doing now, too!”

~***~

**_The new man-eater_ **

So you’ve heard all the stories about Black Widow and how that nickname of hers was and is still earned, right? She might need to fear for the top spot on the pedestal because a new man-eater has entered the fold and it’s of the non-spy variety, it’s nobody but Cap’s girlfriend!

We have it from exclusive sources that Darcy Lewis is not that ordinary girl-from-next-door type we thought her to be. As a matter of fact, she’s the type of girl every man in his right mind should avoid, because she will only date men of a certain calibre. And that calibre are superheroes.

“Oh, she went for Thor first,” an observer confirms. “But that was not to be. So she moved on to Captain America – and that quite successfully!”

But shouldn’t the world’s finest soldier see through that ruse immediately?

“We should think so, shouldn’t we,” _Daily Star_ psychologist Pierce Mason says. “Captain America is an expert tactician on the field and the world’s first and only super soldier and we can trust him to keep us safe. A man like him should see through such a ruse to ensnare him immediately. But the man Steve Rogers has lost everything and now he’s trying to adjust after waking up in the 21 st century. He’s very vulnerable and lonely.”

And that’s where Darcy swooped in and caught him off guard.

“I don’t know how she did it, but by now she has him wrapped around her little finger,” a close acquaintance of Captain America says. “It’s quite worrisome at times, too. She can be really manipulative and goal-orientated. I hardly recognise Steve these days.”

The same picture is painted by former close acquaintances Darcy no longer talks to because they were deemed a hindrance in her reckless pursuit. “Darcy is very determined,” her former best friend reveals. “She always gets what she wants, by any means necessary. I would advise Cap to get out before he gets in too deep.”

For all our sake we certainly hope he takes that advice!

~***~

**_Top 10 Celebrity relationships we are rooting for_ **

_#2:_ Steve Rogers (aka Captain America) and Darcy Lewis

The highest newcomers to this year’s list and also contenders for the top spot.

Their keyword: Normalcy. Everything about the two of them is just so normal, their relationship (they met at work), the two people involved (Look it up in the history books! Beneath the super soldier at peak human condition is just a normal guy. And she’s just so refreshingly ordinary and not your size 0 supermodel) and their outings (coffee dates, the museum, picnics). And that’s the appeal really, because none of this was supposed to be normal, starting with the fact that he’s old enough to be her grandfather, took part in a super secret government experiment during World War II, was frozen for 70 years – and saves the world on a regular basis.

But Steve and Darcy just make the all American, normal every-day adorableness work. So much in fact that we can all see her going out with Steve Rogers and not with Captain America.

~***~

“Aw, that’s sweet. Who’s number 1?” Darcy asked.

“Prince William and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge.”

“So we got only beaten by royalty? Nice!”

~***~

**_Bye-bye ovaries!_ **

The Captain was out on a solo mission yesterday, but don’t worry, it didn’t include any threat to civilians, except maybe this reporter’s ovaries, because he was visiting the Children’s Ward of the New York General Hospital, and the Captain is – of course – amazing with kids.

He spent several hours (more than the originally allotted time) with the kids, handing out Avenger-themed toys, taking pictures and patiently answering their questions. He made sure to mention that he had been sick a lot as a child and is now a fully-fledged superhero.

Though he’ll obviously make a great dad at some – hopefully not too distant – point in the future, we sure as hell don’t know when this is going to happen. When asked about his family planning with ordinary lady love Darcy Lewis in the aftermath of this assignment his only answer was a tight smile and a “No comment.”

You, in the interim, can find the whole photo coverage of the Captain’s visit below. And girls, you have been warned! Major ovaries explosion alert!

~***~

“We’ll sue them all!” Tony came marching into the common room, looking livid.

“Huh?” Darcy asked, looking up from the article she was reading on her tablet. “Did somebody try to steal some of your designs again?”

“No, this is about the newest coverage on you.”

She put down her reading, sighed audibly and looked at him. “Oh boy, I’d expected to have this conversation with Thor, about his need trying to defend my honour, but not you, Tony. I’m a grown girl, I can handle it.”

“But this… this takes vicious to a whole other level,” he sounded seriously put out.

“Ugh, what is it this time? Am I a bad guy? The man-eater? The manipulative minx?”

“Oh… you haven’t seen it yet?”

“Seen what?” She eyed him suspiciously.

“Is it too late to say ‘nothing’ and then leave?”

Darcy sighed, exasperated. “I can google myself, you know. So, show me already.”

He took up her tablet and brought up a video within seconds. The logo of a nationwide morning show appeared and then three people (two women in their late forties and man, who was probably chosen for his ‘I’m a typically gay guy fashion guru’ vibe) appeared on screen.

“Welcome to Friday’s Fashion Talk,” the hostess announced. “Today we have a special treat for you, it’s time for: Cap’s girlfriend dissected!”

“Oh, Lacey,” the man exclaimed excitedly. “I’ve been waiting to do that for ages! Good choice.”

“Thanks, Conrad. So, let’s roll the footage first, shall we?”

There was a brief segment of pictures showing Darcy, mostly paparazzi shots of Darcy out and about by herself when she was clearly unawares that they’d been taken and some shots of her together with Steve. One picture showed her and Steve on a fundraiser a few weeks back.

“So, Beryl,” the hostess – Lacey – started. “Do you want to go first?”

“With pleasure,” Beryl smiled entirely too wide. “I’ve wanted to say this ever since this girl became a public figure: Those ratty jeans and oversized shirts? Not doing her any favours!”

“I agree,” Conrad chimed in, “and it’s careless. She should know better. We don’t want to see your bra straps, girl!” For the last word he looked directly into the camera.

“Well,” Lacey continued, “she’s still dressing the part of the overworked college student, not superhero girlfriend. Doesn’t she realise that she has to adapt to the part?”

“Agreed,” Beryl said. “Someone should sit her down and explain her new responsibilities. I mean, he clearly got the memo. The Captain is always dressing so well! The comparison doesn’t go well for her.”

“And I think,” Conrad added, “when you wake up next to that hunky piece of perfection every day, shouldn’t some of it rub off somehow?”

“The Captain in his Adonis-like shape is another matter entirely,” Lacey conceded, “but I’m sure she has a pretty nice body below all those layers of dirty clothes. She just has to show it!”

“Oh, please,” Beryl said cattily, drawing out the last word. “Her ass and thighs are huge, she could definitely lose a few pounds.”

“Well, if you go for that kind of thing…” Lacey put in.

“Cap didn’t strike me as the type to go for tits and ass, really,” Conrad commented meanly.

“And she’s tiny!” Beryl added. “Especially compared to him!”

“Right!” Conrad nodded vigorously. “Some decent heels wouldn’t hurt here. The sky’s the limit, girl!”

“And don’t get me started on her make-up,” Beryl said.

“You mean, if it exists?” Conrad cackled.

“I’m officially campaigning for her not to go out without make-up ever again,” Beryl stated. “I’m tired of seeing her spots and imperfect skin. Concealer is your best friend, always!”

“Those blood red lips – soooooooo last season!”

“And they look artificial,” Lacey added to the discussion. “I’m sure she had some work done. And not from a good plastic surgeon.”

“While we are talking about surgical enhancements: Those glasses? Is she trying to go for the sexy librarian look and failing? If she’s really shortsighted or farsighted she should have her eyes lasered. Get some decent contacts! It’s not a–”

Darcy pushed the pause button with a bit more force than intended and the screen stopped on Conrad mid-sentence, looking scandalised. Then she took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry for this?” Tony just said, eyeing her carefully.

“What for?” She tried to act nonchalant. “You didn’t write their cue cards, did you?”

“For bringing this to your attention? I guess I got a bit carried away…”

“I would have seen it anyway, somehow. People are always on hand when they can show you your own imperfections.”

“So, do you want me to get the lawyers ready?” Tony asked.

“They didn’t do anything libellous, they just stated their opinion.”

“An opinion nobody agrees with,” Tony said with conviction.

“Aw, thanks, that’s sweet.”

“Least of all that hunky piece of perfection that is your boyfriend.” He winked at her and Darcy laughed a little.

“Well, they were right on that point, he is Adonis re-incarnated. But I’ll try not to let this get to me. Can we change the topic please?”

“And here I was almost suggesting that you take the company credit card and buy yourself some fancy stuff for your next public outing. You know, make the haters swallow their own bile.” Darcy’s eyes had gone round at his suggestion. “But since you are already above all this stuff, I’m not going to do this.”

“Tony!”

He smiled at her entirely too widely. “So, retail therapy?”

~***~

**_The Hottie and the Nottie_ **

Ever since Tony Stark and Pepper Potts became officially an item we waited for news on the next Avenger power couple. Would the team members known as Black Widow and Hawkeye become the crime fighting version of Bonny and Clyde? Would Thor, who is supposedly engaged to be married to a fellow goddess back home in Asgard, introduce us to his lovely betrothed? Would even the Hulk find a special She-Hulk to ease his loneliness?

But no, it was Captain America – recently defrosted and still adjusting to modern society – whose love life made unexpected headlines the last few weeks.

And while we don’t begrudge the good Captain his happiness, we are nevertheless all left wondering what made Captain America chose his girlfriend, one Darcy Lewis, to begin with – it’s definitely not her looks.

“There’s no way to sugercoat this,” _Celebz_ fashion expert Noah Hall says, “she looks terrible. She a young, immature, inexperienced college girl – and it shows. Her fashion sense is basically non-existent and she looks so unkempt 99.9% of times.”

It’s not only this though. “She is not made for the high profile celebrity world,” Celebrity columnist Philippa Ellis judges. “And definitely not for the Avengers world. This little girl is in high over her head. I’d advise the Captain to break it off now. While it’s a testament for his all-American wholesomeness that he tried going for the disappointingly unglamorous girl-next-door-type, it’s not doing him any favours. We’d all hoped for somebody extraordinary. This girl: No.”

~***~

**_Cap’s girlfriend – a disappointment!_ **

Let’s be honest here, we all had a picture in our heads. If Captain America were ever to date anybody, it would be a tall, leggy supermodel heiress with 7 degrees and 9 additional PhDs who spends her time and money building wells and teaching Somali children. Well, not quite, but you get the idea. Which only serves to illustrate the following: This girl is a disappointment.

What does he see in her?

She’s a nobody, she has nothing to add to the high profile environment that is Avengers tower. Next to female icons such as Virginia “Pepper” Potts and Natalie “Black Widow” Rushman she looks completely out of place.

It can’t be her looks because have you seen the pictures? She looks like an overworked college student on her best days and like a hot mess on any other day.

It can’t be her intellect, because she graduated in a soft science (political science after changing her major several times, to be precise) with an average grade and seemingly no ambition whatsoever.

We are positively flabbergasted here. And firm in one opinion: A regular girl for our extraordinary world saviour? No thank you!

~***~

Natasha was walking past the labs when she heard Darcy from inside Jane’s area, sounding frustrated.

“Argh! Of all the things to happen this is really the cherry on top! Why do you always break when Jane is not around! Stupid machine!”

She headed towards the source of the diatribe and stopped inside the doorframe to see Darcy slamming her hand onto the surface and then adding a kick for good measure.

“You know, whatever it is, please don’t take it out on the equipment, Darcy.”

Darcy wheeled around when she heard Natasha’s voice and then sighed dejectedly.

“Rough day?” Natasha just asked.

“You have no idea.”

“I might have – you have been reading too many of those articles about you and Steve, haven’t you?”

Darcy actually sighed at this. “You know, I tried being ‘magnanimous’ about this, ignoring it, being the better person, like Pepper had said, but at the moment it kind of gets to me.”

“We all get to that point.”

“Even you?” Darcy looked at her incredulously.

Natasha smiled. “Not really. Trust me, I’ve had worse. But let me tell you: None of us could ever rise to the Pepper Potts level of perfection. And she hit some tough patches, too. First when she became Tony’s first PA to last more than a few weeks, then when he made her CEO and again when they officially became a couple. And even now the tabloids are pretty brutal because Tony used to be such a womanizer and is supposed to cheat on her eventually.”

“And you are being matched with every single one of the boys every other week and depending on how they are feeling you are either the epitome of feminism or the man-eater. This is so ridiculous.”

Natasha just shrugged. “It’s more the man-eater part for me. Comes with the nickname, I guess. And probably sells more papers. Journalists are fickle folk. You can be on top one day and hit rock bottom the next. And as awful as it sounds, you have to accept that. You can’t do anything about this.”

“Well, at least you are certain in the knowledge that should you ever meet one of those ‘journalists’, you can probably kill them with your left pinkie and get away with it.”

Natasha actually laughed at this. “I probably can and yes, plotting the brutal murder of your enemy can be a fine balm for your battered soul. How about we head down to the gym, get into the ring and you can channel some of those murderous thoughts on me?”

“Haha, very funny. I’m no match for you. You’ll wipe the floor with me.”

“I can train you,” Natasha offered.

“Will you teach me that awesome move with your thighs?” Darcy asked excitedly.

Natasha just laughed. “My signature move? Definitely not. You must learn to crawl before you can walk, little one.”


	3. I drown'd these news in tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even gonna lie, guys, this part was the most fun.
> 
> Thanks to [Fiora](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Fiora/pseuds/Fiora) who was with me all the way.

### Part III: I drown'd these news in tears. (William Shakespeare, Henry VI, Part III)

**_Because the high waistline is so last season…_ **

Have you seen the latest pictures of Darcy Lewis? While she looks undeniably cute in those high-waisted summer dresses she sports these days, we are asking ourselves: What’s the reason for the sudden change in style?

We did a quick survey here at _Superheroes Uncensored_ and well, for us there’s only one possibility: It’s perfect to hide a growing bump – and we are not implying that she gorged on ice cream too much and gained weight the… natural way.

Of course it’s still too early to tell, but: Might there be an Avenger baby on the way?

~***~

**_The unexpected bump watch_ **

When a couple of weeks ago photos surfaced indicating that Captain America himself is off the market, the collective gasp of tabloid readers could probably be heard in all nine realms. Now there’s evidence from all quarters that the relationship is more serious than we could ever have imagined.

Because while we were distracted by the adorableness that is the Captain (in full civilian clothing and with that dazzling smile to boot!) with his lovely brunette (see the full story here), we failed to notice one specific destination of their many outings: A toy store. And not only the toy store in general, no! The happy couple spent most of their time in the baby section, very intently looking at baby clothing.

“In the end they settled on some of the Avengers onesies,” an eyewitness tells us. “It was all very adorable. They went for the Hulk and Captain America and all the other team members. You could tell that they were very excited about this.”

So might there be an all American Avenger baby on the way? Let the bump watch begin!

~***~

“And may I congratulate you on the good news?”

“What good news, Jarvis?” Steve asked suspiciously.

“The baby you are expecting with Miss Lewis. May I remark how excited I am about the prospect of children becoming an essential part here at Avengers tower? I hope I am not being too forward when I suggest that the main guest room would make an excellent nursery for your first child. I have taken the liberty of coming up with several schematics for the room and your living quarters as a whole – under the assumption that Miss Lewis will be moving in with you, of course. But then your flat is larger and much more suited to house a family than hers. But if needed, we could also combine the two quarters and go for some remodelling.”

“Uhm, Jarvis,” Steve began, not knowing how to explain the tabloid industry and their inclination for gross exaggerations to a super smart computer system, who sounded the most excited he had ever heard him. “I’m sorry, but–”

“I am conscious,” Jarvis continued and studiously ignoring Steve’s words, “that I have not had much interaction with minors in my capacity – seeing that _Sir_ here remains disappointingly childless.”

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean, J?” Tony interrupted, pretending to be offended.

“But I suspect that I will adapt quickly,” Jarvis finished.

For a moment the workshop was entirely silent. Steve looked at Tony for help on how to tell the AI that his exuberance was entirely misguided but Tony just shrugged.

“Uhm, Jarvis,” Steve finally said, “it’s um… I hate to disappoint, but Darcy and I… we are not… Darcy is not pregnant and there won’t be any children soon – at least not from us.” He said the last sentence in a rush.

There was another awkward silence during which Steve hoped that Jarvis wouldn’t hold their lack of family planning against them.

“I know, Mr. Rogers, I was just testing the waters.” Now Jarvis sounded the most amused, Steve had ever heard him.

Steve let out the breath he hadn’t realised he had been holding. “Thank God for that. I would have been really worried if you would’ve fallen for the stories made up by the tabloids. You are far too intelligent for that.”

“Thank you.”

“But I have to know: Did Tony put you up to this?” Steve asked suspiciously.

“No, he didn’t,” was Jarvis’ smug reply. Nevertheless Steve eyed Tony suspiciously but he just shook his head and made a “cross my heart and hope to die”-gesture.

“You have a very dark sense of humour, Jarvis.”

“Thank you, Mr. Rogers. Well, I’ve been told that I channel my creator sometimes.”

~***~

**_Avengers surely know how to celebrate!_ **

Fasten your seatbelts, readers, we are in for a real treat! All Avengers, save the Prince of Asgard himself, attended the annual Stark Foundation fundraiser at the Waldorf Astoria yesterday and while we can certainly appreciate their superhero outfits and tight spandex-clad bottoms every other day, we are now floored by the sight that is every single one of the men in tailored tuxes and a bespoke dress that looked like a second skin for the lady (see the gallery below).

The star-studded event went on into the early hours of the morning and was attended by some of New York’s hottest celebs (again, see the gallery below). The couple that got the most attention however, was Captain America and his girlfriend, Darcy Lewis.

Pregnancy rumours are definitely heating up! That dress makes her look like she’s sporting a slight bump and sources say she refused alcohol the whole evening. Official sources are of course as tight-lipped as ever about this revelation, so we will have to keep watching until we can have a definite confirmation.

~***~

“You know, I really appreciate the high definition pictures of Steve in a tux.”

“What are you up to?” Jane stood up from her desk, took her coffee cup and went to stand next to Darcy, looking at her screen.

“Oh, I just looked at my Google alerts. The fundraiser on Saturday? I really caught myself a handsome man.”

“You clean up nice, too,” Jane said.

“Thanks,” Darcy continued clicking through the gallery, scrutinizing the pictures of her and Steve. “Ok, I know this is a cliché, but I really have to ask: Did that dress make me look pregnant?”

Jane actually snorted into her coffee cup. “What? Did they report that?”

“Yup, the pregnancy rumours are still going strong. And apparently somebody told them that I only drank water the whole evening. As if! There should be plenty of pictures of me with a Champagne glass.”

Jane just shrugged. “They are now going for that story, I guess. Nothing but pictures of you in a bikini will convince them that you are not… in the family way.”

“Well, that’s not going to happen. I don’t really have any occasion for wearing a bikini. And if Steve and I were to go on a fancy beach vacation people would automatically assume that we got married and it’s our honeymoon.”

~***~

**_Get ready for Baby America!_ **

We are not kidding you, dear readers! Apparently, there’s an all American Avenger baby on the way, courtesy of our favourite star spangled superhero and his lady love.

While their relationship has only very recently surfaced, the two lovebirds have been secretly involved for quite some time now. Speculation about their relationship status has been ripe ever since the two became a tabloid fixture, but the rumours began to heat up last week when the golden couple was spotted out buying baby paraphernalia. _Celebz_ now has the exclusive insight from people close to the couple.

“They are very excited about the new addition to their little family,” one friend confirms. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, though: “While the Cap is obviously elated at the good news he’s also been especially worried about this getting out in the open,” the same friend continues. “A close association with him – or with any Avenger – puts everybody into the spotlight. But the woman he loves and the mother of his children is obviously a prime target. Having a wife and kids make him and the team more vulnerable.”

However, unexpected support has come from an important ally: Iron Man himself! “Tony and Steve might not always see eye to eye, but Tony has been nothing but very supportive in this,” a source at the Avengers’ tower reveals. “He’s been in the spotlight for years now. He knows how to handle the press and the security issues that follow. He’s got it all figured out.”

And no doubt he’s already busy working on some Avengers enhanced baby strollers and Hulk plushies with defence mechanisms for the soon-to-be mom and dad.

~***~

“Yes, it’s a girl,” Darcy announced dramatically. “And we are naming our all American love child Howard, after Tony’s father. I hope you approve,” she said, winking at him.

“I am so touched,” Tony said, pretending to wipe a tear from his eye. “But love child? Didn’t the Captain make an honest woman out of you? I thought I’d read it somewhere? Or do I need to have a heart-to-heart with him about traditional family values?”

“Well, you should know, you officiated their wedding,” Clint chimed in.

“Really? I thought I stood up for him?” Tony asked.

“No, that was Thor,” Natasha corrected.

“You are being way too chipper about this,” Clint grinned, turning to her. “Seeing that you are supposed to be heartbroken about the recent developments in Steve’s love life.”

“Heartbroken doesn’t even cut it. I would go for ‘devastated’,” Bruce said. “Imagine the bloodshed we are going to create over the disappointment of not becoming a godparent to the golden child. I’m telling you, Darcy, superheroes don’t take rejection very well.”

“Duly noted, but you can take that out on Steve, because essentially you are from his part of the family. I’m choosing Jane.”

“You are choosing me for what?” Jane had looked from her article up at the mention of her name.

“To become the fairy godmother for the imaginary child I’m expecting with Captain America. Or as the press would probably call it: Protector extraordinaire to the all American Avenger baby. God, I should print that on a t-shirt.”

“Yup, a matching set for Jane and whoever Steve chooses,” Bruce suggested. “He’ll probably choose Thor seeing that he was already his best man. And the fact that nobody is really a match for the God of Thunder… And it would be very fitting for Jane and Thor as godparents to bring up your love child as their own once you and Steve have died heroically, protecting your child and all nine realms. And once she’s old enough, she’ll embrace her destiny and–”

“Woah, stop right there, Bruce! That’s really heartbreakingly specific and depressing! You obviously have a whole Avenger fanfic already plotted there, J.K. Rowling. But speaking of your baby daddy and the God of Thunder, where are they exactly?” Tony asked.

“Oh, Thor wanted to have a word with Steve, apparently,” Jane said absentmindedly. “Something to do with having to defend Darcy’s honour?” she added as an afterthought.

Darcy actually paled at this. “Please don’t tell me that he takes this seriously? And that he’s now on a warpath intent to make an ‘honest woman’ out of me?”

“Well, you never know with him really, do you?” Tony said. “Did anybody explain the concept of gossip rags to the God of Thunder?”

Natasha and Clint just shrugged.

~***~

Steve was in the gym working out, when Thor barged in with. He walked up to Steve, a thunderous expression clouding his face.

“Steven, a word!”

He let go of his punching bag and looked at Thor. “Sure, what’s up?”

“I heard you have sired a child with the Lady Darcy out of wedlock?” Thor's stare was grim enough to make Steve flinch a little bit.

“It’s not like that, Thor. We are just–“

But Thor didn’t even wait for his explanation. “It is a dishonourable thing to do! I hope you will remember to do what is right in such a situation. I value you greatly as a comrade in arms and I would hate for this to stand between us. I am prepared for whatever measure is necessary to defend the Lady Darcy’s honour and to restore whatever damage was done by your… by your fraternizing with dishonourable intentions.”

Steve just stared at him for a second but Thor apparently expected some kind of reaction from him.

“Really, Thor, you have this all wrong.”

“Do I now? I can assure you that I have it from several different sources. And of course I have also noticed how close you and the Lady Darcy have grown over the past few months. But I would never expected anything like this from you, Steven!”

“Those are gossip magazines, Thor, you cannot trust what they are reporting. They will do everything to sell their story. Yes, Darcy and I, we’ve grown close, in fact, we are dating, but that’s all. I wouldn’t call it … fraternizing with dishonourable intentions. And we certainly are not having a baby.”

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yes! Quite! We are a couple, but nothing more.”

Thor looked thoughtful for a moment. “I hope you have wooed the Lady Darcy appropriately?”

“Um… yes?”

“In Asgard, when a warrior is interested in a Lady such as the Lady Darcy, he has to fulfil certain steps in order to ascertain that he is indeed worthy of the Lady’s affections.”

“Um… okay,” Steve just said, which was apparently all the encouragement Thor needed.

“Oh yes, once he has declared his intentions in front of the lady’s kin on seven different occasions in order to be taken seriously, there is a strict protocol to follow. The first labour is of course to test his abilities as a mighty warrior. For this he has to slay a lindworm and lay it at the lady’s feet on the third day after the full moon. He will then cut off the head and drink the wine of victory out of its skull.”

“Sounds… interesting?” Steve managed to say when Thor looked at him expectantly, apparently waiting for a response.

“I expected you to say this, Steven. The fine warrior that you are, of course, you would have no problem besting a lindworm and laying it at the feed of your beloved. And since you are also a capable leader of our group of warriors, you would have no problem to manage a herd of goats for three weeks in the wilds of Vanaheimr to prove that you can take care of a family.”

By now Steve’s eyebrows had risen to his hairline and he was desperately trying to think of a way out of this conversation. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, I guess? That was very… enlightening.”

“Oh, but Steven, we are not finished. It is a lengthy process so that the suitor has ample opportunity to prove the sincerity of his affections. The next step is to demonstrate his intellectual prowess, where he has to travel to Álfheimr and find the Light Elves, who will give him a riddle, which he has to solve within the day, otherwise they will skin him alive and feed him to the draugr.”

“Draugr?” Steve asked. He had heard the name before during his crash course on Norse mythology but he couldn’t remember what they were exactly.

“Undead creatures,” Thor helpfully provided. “The living dead?”

“Ah, ok.”

“After the suitor has finished this, he further has to find the cow Auðumbla and milk her. He then gives the milk to the cats which pull his chariot with which he has to win a race against the lady on her fastest steed.”

“What?” Steve interrupted him, sounding incredulous.

“Yes, I know, this is a ridiculous labour, it’s not difficult to win at all, but tradition has to be honoured, I assume.”

“…Right.”

“He then has to find and capture one of the Marmennill. They are mermen who can prophesy the future,” Thor explained when he caught Steve’s confused look. “One of them has to give testament about the wooer’s sexual prowess in front of the lady’s mother or her other female next of kin to assure that all the lady’s needs will be well taken care of.”

For Steve this was getting more uncomfortable by the second. At this point he didn’t even care anymore if he was impolite to interrupt Thor during his tale of the apparently very crazy Asgardian dating game. He had even asked himself how Thor and Jane had ever gotten involved, when the Asgardian culture apparently was so difficult with relationships. Maybe the rules didn’t apply to the royal family?

“Once he has fulfilled all the necessary criteria there he–” Thor continued.

“Thor, um…” Steve interrupted him, “as much as I value your… insight… These customs are quite different here on earth.”

“That much I know, Steven, I just wanted to give you inspiration so that you could tell me what labours you had undertaken in your suit to win the Lady Darcy’s heart. Then I could appraise if you had wooed her adequately, so that I did not feel obliged to defend the Lady Darcy’s honour.”

Thor fixed him with another stare and Steve swallowed hard. “I think, Darcy and I, we are good and I really don’t want to go into details. As… challenging as those tests sound, there’s really no further need to prove the sincerity of our affections.”

Thor still didn’t look entirely convinced – and then just broke into howling laughter. “Oh, this was priceless! Marvellous! Steven, your reaction has exceeded all my expectations. I quite enjoyed this, this – how do you people call it? The shovel talk?”

It took Steve longer than he cared to admit that the God of Thunder had apparently messed with him the whole time. It took him only a second longer to figure out that he had to admit defeat in order to leave with his dignity intact.

“Well played, Thor, well played.”

“Thank you, my friend.”

“So I gather that you don’t really want to defend Darcy’s honour?”

“Of course not. Darcy does not need my protection. She can take good care of herself. She – how do you people call it? – tased me when we first met, but you probably know that tale.”

“Oh yes, I _know_. She’s quite proud of that, too. And you made up all those Asgardian courtship traditions as well?”

“Yes,” Thor said proudly and Steve couldn’t help but smile.

“That’s actually hilarious. You have quite the gift for story telling.”

“It was indeed. And thank you for the compliment. I took some of the real contents of the story of my people and changed them accordingly. Do you want me to tell you about the real courtship rules?”

“No, not really.” Steve shook his head and then thought for a second. “The question now is: how do we want to play out our little shovel talk in front of the others? Any story ideas for that?”

“Steven, I like your way of thinking.”

~***~

**_The five most burning questions about Baby America_ **

_#1 – Are they really expecting twins? Triplets?_ _Quadruplets?_

While we don’t really have any insight on the strike rate of Cap’s super soldiers as far as we can tell there’s only one bun in the oven.

_#2 – What’s the over/under on baby names?_

Topping the list for boy’s names is Howard (after Howard Stark, Tony Stark’s father and a good friend to Cap back in World War II) these days, so you won’t make any money betting on this. Sarah (that’s his mother’s name) tops the list of the girl’s names. People tend to think that these two will go for traditional names, but maybe they will surprise us all? So if you want to bet on “Pixie Crimefighter Lewis Rogers”, you can do that, too.

You can bet on almost everything else, starting from the time of birth (down to the actual second) to who is going to be the godfather. Tony Stark is also high on the list of potential godfathers, right next to Thor.

_#3 – What’s Thor’s role in this?_

He’s the not only the God of Thunder, he’s the God of Fertility, too. Enough said.

_#4 – Isn’t the baby at risk already?_

Let’s hear it from _Glam!_ security expert Gail Perkins: “Obviously, the child of Captain America has a target tattooed on its forehead already. Both the child and the mother are always at risk of being taken by enemies of the Avengers, they are a huge security risk, but I trust they have this all figured out. The real security issue here: Sharing living quarters with the Hulk. Probably not the best idea.”

_#5 – Is the child going to come after Steve Rogers pre-serum or post-serum?_

How can we ever know? This pregnancy is literally unprecedented. We trust that the Avengers’ Science Side (geniuses that some of them are) have this all figured out, but us mere mortals will not know until after the birth. But with that amount of health issues pre-serum Steve Rogers had? We certainly hope the baby – like its Dad – gets all the benefits of the super juice.

~***~

“I personally love the coverage about your supposed offspring and wedding,” Clint said. “It’s so contradictory. And I’d really love to know who all these ‘friends’ are that chime in and have the super scoop on your relationship.”

“Yeah, we are wondering that as well,” Steve said. “We seem to have so many friends that are willing to reveal all our secrets. Maybe we should get SHIELD involved about all these leaks.”

Darcy just snorted at this. “I bet SHIELD is spreading all this stuff. Intentionally spreading misinformation and all that. So, what’s the newest on the grapevine, Clint?”

“Well, I have these two articles and they say the exact opposite. It’s been firmly established that you are indeed expecting, Darcy. It’s now the question whether or not your baby will be born in or out of wedlock. Here, one friend says: ‘There’s no way in hell Darcy is going to walk down the aisle in an unfortunate pregnancy wedding dress looking like a beached whale. She’s getting married to Captain Freaking America, she wants to rock a dress in her delicious body and look her absolute best. They’re going wait until after the baby is born and she’s back in shape.’ While the other is certain: ‘They definitely want to get married before the baby is born. They are both traditional that way. But between her commitments and his stand-by-duty as the team leader of the Avengers it’s proven quite difficult to schedule.’”

“We should start a pool on which story is going to become featured more often,” Steve suggested. “Wedding or no wedding.”

“Too easy,” Darcy said, “it’s obviously our fake, super romantic wedding. There’s more to report there. And Captain America, the paragon of virtue, advocating having children out of wedlock? Nope, the tabloids are having us married in seventeen different ways until the month is over.”

~***~

**_Cap’s and Darcy’s secret wedding! All the details!_ **

Ever since we saw that ring on Darcy’s oh-so-important finger a few weeks ago, the papers have been abound with wedding speculation. How would an American Icon and his girl tie the knot? Who would stand up with the couple? In which realm would the lovebirds get married? How to keep the festivities safe from unwanted, lethal, otherworldly guests?

We were all ready for a lengthy engagement period and a lot of preparation for the couple’s high-security nuptials with lots of leaks for us to devour and speculate over. But that’s not to be! Now we can report that the two of them – in their super secret spy fashion – have beaten us all to the altar.

Cap and his girl tied the knot in a ceremony officiated by Tony Stark himself at the penthouse last week. Yes, you heard us right, let us repeat: In true Avengers fashion Captain America and his ordinary ladylove were wed by Iron Man in the Avengers Tower a few days ago.

The bride was radiant in a gown rumoured to have been created by Thor’s mother, the Queen of Asgard herself, for the happy occasion. The groom opted for full regimentals and wore his vintage World War II uniform. The reception was catered by some of the realms’ finest chefs and rumour has it that went on for two days straight – with no unwanted otherworldly guests in sight.

Let’s hope that the couple’s good luck persists and that their honeymoon is also not brutally interrupted by some alien force intent to take over the world! We would hate to have the Captain cut it short just for our sake!

~***~

“’If he really got married, then Cap is in serious trouble now because he never let me throw a bachelor party, Tony Stark himself stated when confronted with the news.’” Pepper sighed. “Tony, what did I tell you about making quips at unsuspecting journalists?”

“They don’t take sarcasm very well?”

“Indeed they do not. You’ve now started a new tabloid feud between you and Steve. As a matter of fact, the article goes on and claims that you relieved ‘Cap of his role as your Best Man in our upcoming nuptials.’”

“That’s ridiculous. I would make Rhodey my best man to begin with.”

“Not the point, Tony!”

~***~

**_Here she comes, Mrs. America_ **

The Captain and his girlfriend, are definitely on a relationship fast track. Excuse us, the Captain and his new _wife_ are definitely on a relationship fast track. Yes, you heard us right, his wife. Because only weeks after going public with their relationship and days after the revelation that Baby America is on the way, the couple just went on and got hitched! Yep, just like that.

And many of couple’s friends were not surprised: “The Captain is old fashioned,” a friend of the couple tells us. “He didn’t want the child to be born out of wedlock. In their hearts they were married already. They already made it official a few weeks ago. It was a very small, very hush-hush affair. Thor stood up with him at the town hall and they had the reception at the tower afterwards.”

Officials are of course very tight-lipped about their relationship status – or any details of their life other than what part of the world the Avengers saved or what enemy they defeated last week. This doesn’t keep news from leaking, though.

“It was very small and intimate, just like they wanted it to be,” an unnamed guest at the wedding tells us. “Their vows were beautiful, many of us were moved to tears.”

“Darcy and Steve didn’t really want an elaborate affair to begin with. And with the little one on the way they saw no sense in waiting really,” another friend reveals. “They got their license, they turned up at the courthouse. It was as uncomplicated as they are.”

And while we were hoping to bestow a new nickname on the newly-wed Mrs. Steven Rogers, this is not to be. “Darcy is totally keeping her name,” her witness reveals. But in our hearts she will now and forever be Mrs. America.

~***~

“Damn right, I’m keeping my name. Mrs. America – are they even real?”

“Really now, Lewis?” came Tony’s reply. “Out of all the junk people wrote about you, you are really going to complain about this? People basically called you a prostitute for dating Captain America, for despoiling the golden boy, you know that, right?”

“Yes, I do. I don’t know… Something about this really gets me… I’m my own damn person and I refuse to be defined by my partner. This is the 21st century, people!”

“Well, 21st century insofar as that your new nickname is trending already. #CapsMrsAmerica. Ugh, some of the tweets are really nasty stuff.” Tony was looking intently at his computer screen.

“Most of the people claiming I’m just in it for the fame and the money? That I’m basically a whore? And that Steve is really in love with you? Or secretly dating Natasha? Into some kinky stuff with Bruce slash The Hulk? That’s really nothing we haven’t heard before.”

“Yup, that’s pretty much the gist of it. Here, take a look.” He ordered Jarvis to project the tweets onto the wall in his workshop.

@AvengersDaily

Congratulations! #CapsMrsAmerica We couldn’t be more pleased.

@AvengersFan101

High profile beard much? #CapsMrsAmerica Cap is totes in love with Iron Man

@TonynSteve

@AvengersFan101 I know! It’s all a front! just pretend! #CapsMrsAmerica

@SuperheroStuff

The adorbs! #CapsMrsAmerica

@CapsLover

This is a government conspiracy #CapsMrsAmerica Read it all on my blog!

“Oh, and there’s a fake account already. @CapsMrsAmerica.” Tony scrolled through it very quickly. “The account holder is sassy, I have to say. It’s almost like the real deal.”

Surprisingly Darcy didn’t take the bait. “I’m never going to get used to this”, she just sighed.


	4. Stay a little, and news will find you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end! Thanks to all of you who commented and bookmarked and left kudos. Thanks to [Fiora](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Fiora/pseuds/Fiora) for her support while I was taming this beast, which took me more than four months.

### Part IV: Stay a little, and news will find you. (George Herbert)

**_Relationship on the rocks?_ **

We might have to worry about our much beloved Captain-Darcy relationship, fans! Ever since the two have gone public, we adored them for their all American charm and their down to earth attitude. Darcy seemed like the perfect person to introduce our favourite defrosted superhero to all the wonders of the 21st century. The golden couple might have hit a rocky patch, though.

“It’s not going well between him and his girlfriend at the moment,” a source close to the couple confirms. “It’s been affecting his ability to focus. The other five Avengers have already pointed out to him that he was too preoccupied during their last outings and that he needs to do something.”

Indeed, eyewitness footage from an Avenger call last week in North Carolina confirms that the Captain almost lost a leg in a skirmish with an unidentified humanoid creature with six arms.

~***~

“Seriously? I almost lost a leg because I was preoccupied with my rocky relationship with you? How about that… _thing_ had six arms and five claws on every one of them? And I was alone most of the time because I was only there by accident and it took a moment for the others to assemble.”

“Oh honey, I know.”

“This is getting more ridiculous by the minute, really. We shouldn’t really have to deal with this, anyway.”

“Remember what Pepper said right at the beginning? There’s nothing we can actually do? The story is already written. We just have to get used to it.”

Steve just huffed in annoyance. “I don’t like it.”

“I know, I can tell. But look at the fun site: Everybody is talking about our relationship drama when in reality I’m just moving in with you. It’s like the perfect antithesis.”

“It is kind of funny,” Steve admitted.

“But while we are speaking of our inescapable break-up, you know you can never break up with me, right?” Darcy said, putting the heavy box with her books next to the sofa.

“And why is that?”

“I already have the title for my tell-all book.”

“Oh really?” Steve just raised an eyebrow in challenge.

“Yep, it’s going to be ‘Captain America: The Man Behind the Shield’. It’s not going to be pretty. So you better stay with me if you want to keep your dirty little secrets well hidden.”

“You know, most people would call this blackmail.”

“I would call it incentive.”

~***~

**_The old flame_ **

We know nothing in the Captain-Darcy-relationship is ordinary, but even the ex-factor takes a whole new level. When the Captain America Smithsonian exhibit opened last week, it was a spectacle because everybody was dying to meet Captain America himself. The opening festivities included the who is who of both historians and fans alike and even managed to snatch up a few of the descendants of Cap’s contemporaries.

One very noticeable absentee? Darcy Lewis.

While the Captain obviously declined to answer some very pointed questions why he was without his significant other, we now have the inside scoop on the real reason: Darcy refused to attend the opening because a large part is dedicated to Captain America’s old… flame Peggy Carter.

“I’m not going to say she threw a hissy fit, but yeah… Darcy threw a hissy fit,” a source at Avengers tower reveals. “She has the feeling that he’s not moved on from when his plane crash ended their relationship so abruptly. She accuses him of still holding a torch for her.”

Being jealous of a 95-year-old? Darcy better get her act together. Otherwise her irrational jealousy of Peggy Carter might take a serious toll on their – supposedly – already strained relationship.

~***~

**_Moving on to greener pastures_ **

The relationship between Captain America and Darcy Lewis is over, friends close to the couple tell us. It doesn’t come as a surprise, since the two haven’t been seen together for several weeks now. Social media mentions have him stationed in Washington D.C. most of the time these days. Rumour has it that he has been assigned to the SHIELD Washington D.C. office and the long distance relationship has taken its toll, so that they have decided to call it quits.

Darcy has taken it all in a stride, though. In the past few days she was seen more out and about, smiling and having fun with Pepper Potts and Thor himself. The latter is not the Avenger she is dating now, though. Yep, you heard us right, she moved on to another Avenger: She is now in a relationship with Bruce Banner aka the Hulk.

The Captain is not one to excessively grief over the end of his relationship either: He’s also frequently seen in the company of the Black Widow.

~***~

**_Avenger relationship drama_ **

This sounds like the Avengers edition of Celebrity Wife Swap if it weren’t for the fact that the relationship drama surrounding the tower might endanger us all. And it’s all Captain America’s fault. Who then is going to keep us save when Earth’s Mightiest Heroes are about to split up, and badly to boot?

Rumours about the inevitable break-up between Cap and his girlfriend Darcy Lewis have been ripe for weeks now. They haven’t been seen together since the summer. There have been different angles to it already, but now we’ve got the definite one: The Captain has set his sights on Black Widow, with whom he was frequently spotted in Washington D.C. While at first nobody thought anything about this development (they are team mates after all), the two have now begun a relationship no matter the cost.

“He really pursued her,” an insider tells us. “Despite his relationship with Darcy he went after her and made her fall in love with him. She was reluctant at first, but her relationship with Hawkeye was also not at a good point.”

The losers in this: Darcy and Hawkeye, who found themselves ousted and betrayed by their respective loved ones in the Captain’s relentless pursuit of his own happiness.

Insiders say that Hawkeye and Darcy have both already moved out of the tower and that the first has vowed never to work with both the Captain and Black Widow ever again, no matter the threat level.

Let’s just hope they sort this all out before the next alien attack hits us. We would hate for the world to be overthrown just because some people cannot keep their feelings in check!

~***~

**_It’s splitsville!_ **

Good news, ladies and gents! Captain America is back on the market. That is, before Black Widow will snatch him up for good this time. But the Cap and his girlfriend of 6 months have broken up, we can report exclusively.

“It’s all over,” a friend of the couple confirms. “She was tired of waiting for him. He was constantly chasing off, saving the world, being gone on secret assignments for weeks and months, doing who knows what with who knows who. It took a toll on them both and they’ve decided to end it.”

And while we can certainly appreciate the fact that one of America’s hottest specimen is back for us to dream about, it doesn’t seem as if the two former lovebirds are really better off without each other.

According to sources close to the former couple, Darcy dove head first into work and apparently already requested a transfer out of Avengers’ tower to another Stark Industries facility in California. Meanwhile the Captain is nursing his broken heart.

“He is seriously pining,” a close friend tells us. “He’s hiding himself away and only comes out when the Avengers are called to assemble. And even then he’s not really at his best at the moment. The other five Avengers had to step in more often than not. At the moment their relationship drama is affecting everyone.”

The question now is: Do his super healing powers also super-mend a broken heart? For the safety of the world at large we surely hope so!

 

~***~

“You know what?” Clint had come sitting between Sam and Steve, while they were waiting for the Quinjet to transport them to New York. “I’m going to miss the whole tabloid speculation about you.”

Steve, who had been staring pensively at his phone, looked up at Clint, frowning. “What do you mean?”

“Your whole thing with Darcy, the ‘Will they, won’t they… Have they broken up? Is she expecting twins…’ It was fun while it lasted.”

“What makes you think that it will not continue?” Sam joined their conversation.

“Because the papers now probably have better things to do than report about Steve’s love life?”

“And because the whole truth about everything is out on the internet now,” Steve added. “I guess they have bigger fish to fry now than to make up stuff about Darcy and myself.”

“Is that why you took down SHIELD?” Clint asked cheekily. “To distract from your abysmal love life?”

“What do you mean, abysmal?” Steve asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well, you two broke up, you were heartbroken…” Clint explained. “Isn’t that when you destroy stuff, you know, to fend off the pain? In your case you took down a super-secret government agency, but then… The first Avenger doesn’t do ordinary stuff like burning pictures and memorabilia of the time together.”

“And he can’t get drunk,” Sam added. “So there goes one way of dealing with a broken relationship. Getting hilariously trashed and hooking up with a random stranger. No wonder he felt the great urge to take down SHIELD.”

“Well,” Steve shrugged, “that’s a better suggestion than the one Tony had in light of my tabloid break-up with Darcy.”

“Which was?” Sam wanted to know.

“He suggested to both of us to get married. Just to spite the tabloids of course.”

“For real?” Clint asked incredulously.

Steve nodded. “Yup, for real.”

“I’m telling you, that man is way too invested in your relationship.”

“Oh, it gets better,” Steve said.

“How so?”

“One of his reasons was that with the added coverage about me and Darcy, Bucky might recognize me on TV or in the paper and come find me.”

Both men starred at him mouth open.

“I’m not making it up,” Steve said, defensively, when neither of them said anything.

“You know,” Sam started slowly, “that might just work.”

“What?! No!”

“He has a point,” Clint agreed. “Bucky recognized you, he just needs to know who you are. What better and easier way for him to find out than to see you face plastered all over the news.”

Sam nodded. “Public awareness,” he then said.

“I think we are good on that one,” Steve countered. “Since we really just took down SHIELD and Hydra. That might make the news – with me in them – for quite some time.”

“But that might be the wrong channels… or maybe not enough channels,” Clint disagreed. “You know, high quality journalism. Maybe that’s not Bucky’s thing. I for one wouldn’t really pay attention to that. CNN is just so boring when you can obsess over the totally unbiased coverage of whatever FOX news deems to be important.”

“Guys, really–“ Steve tried to stop their weird ideas right at the root.

“Let’s see how we can get up the tabloid coverage on you to the extreme,” Sam said.

Clint looked like Christmas had come early. “I might have some ideas for that!”

“Guys, this is never going to happen!” Steve was beginning to sound more desperate by the minute.

Clint slapped him on the shoulder good-naturedly. “We shall see, Cap, we shall see.”

“Really, Steve,” Sam said, accusingly, “how far are you willing to go to find your brainwashed best friend, huh? We should consider every option and not dismiss it outright.”

The three were silent for a moment, then: “How about leaking a sex tape?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While this story might be over, I'm not done with the whole universe, especially when Halloween is just around the corner and gives me a lot of inspiration on gratuitous merchandise and terrible tabloid puns. Also: There might be another alternate take on the tabloid angle coming soon, but then I have to finish my 80-page master thesis first ;-)
> 
> The current outline for the story can be tentatively summarized as follows:
> 
> _When an accidental meeting between two strangers is blown way out of proportions Darcy Lewis finds herself in the middle of a media onslaught that proclaims her to be “Captain America’s super cute ordinary lady love”. The problem however: She barely knows the man and what she sees of him doesn’t really leave her with a favourable opinion. So while the press quickly dubs them “America’s Sweethearts” and has them married in seven different ways till Sunday, she’s still trying not the slap the guy. But still, their epic story is all over the papers, and what’s in the papers must be true, right?_

**Author's Note:**

> I should probably mention that I made all the Twitter handles, websites and people up. I didn't look if they existed in reality. If they do: Any resemblance is a total coincidence and if there's any resemblance: I don't mean to insult anybody.


End file.
